Holding a good thought for Heath...

Sadly, the news today of the passing of a burgeoning talent in the form of Australian born actor, Heath Ledger was a sobering and poignant moment for me. I was not a particular fan of him per se, But I did admire his talent, I admired his ability and perspicacity. I feel sadness for those of his friends and family who will forever remember this day as a sad one. I just saw a video short of him saying he thinks he would be a 6 year old 'til the day he dies. He felt like it was a great thing to be young. I agree.
I will hold a good thought for Heath, and feel to express the great shame it is that he has gone so soon. He has certainly left a legacy with his many roles on the screen. I particularly liked him in the Patriot and in A knights tale.

I have been somewhat withdrawn of late. Deep in thought about where I am, where I am going and the direction I want my life to take from this point forward. I am happy I think, though am deeply reflective of my movements, thoughts and feelings. I don't think it is depression or anything, though I have seriously analysed my thoughts on this matter, but perhaps where the feeling best reminds me of, is something like a cat, almost ready to pounce. I sense big things are near, but as the apostle Paul describes in the Bible, it can be a little like "looking through a glass darkly." Meaning, that you can sort of see something, but you cannot see in any real detail. I think that best describes where my "space" is at present.


I have been working so hard and so long to achieve a goal, I am at the point where the fruition of what I want is not evident, and the tendency is to listen to the errant voices of a faceless few who might say give up, and do something different, and in the guise of "helping" suggest moving in a different direction. It is a bugger of a thing really. But one thing that I cannot excuse, nor would I wish to, is to recognise that this is MY life. I have to do what I think and feel is right for me. Lord only knows I balls it up on more occasions than I can recall, but I keep trying. I cannot go and sell Amway, Nu Skin, sunshine, finance pkg's, Mortgage Broking, time share, better Health or any other thing like it. For some people it works well.I personally met a wonderful couple who were millionaires from Amway and whatever. Good for them. It is not something that gets my juices flowing at all. I want to be creative, I want the adrenaline of being instrumental in creating something like images, memories that can and often do, last a lifetime.

It has required patience, and it is not something I am given to easily. My craft has been enervating also. There have been moments in recent days and weeks when I have felt like I have taken one step forward and three steps back. But In the time I take images and work on them in my digital darkroom called the computer, I find it satisfying and richly rewarding. It is sooo much more more than a hobby to me, it is a passion. I get upset and impatient with people at times who say, then this is your hobby? Sheesh!! I am trying hard not to react to it. I just have a growing sense of frustration that I am close, yet I cannot touch it, or feel it...YET. I will not give up. I may not be a very good person with money, I may not be the world's best photographer even, or the best person, brother, son, Father or friend - but I try real hard to be the best I can be. I heard it said once that the greatest battles we fight as people are within the walls of our own souls. If that is true, I fight each day to stay the course and see the task through. I picture myself coming through the rain and enjoying a long country drive through the sunshine without the day to day worries that concern most of us, and being able to feel the triumph of having achieved a measure of what I want because I stuck to what I believed in. I guess, said differently. I want to achieve, knowing I backed myself and believed. I know and feel that I have people who silently and inwardly want me to be happy, and want me to find the Nirvana I seek. A friend said to me at lunch today, "You have a high standard for yourself don't you". I guess I do. "Is that a problem I ask?" I ask it independent of any of you who read here, I ask it to the man I see in the mirror.

Yet with all of the above thoughts and feelings which I have expressed, I have come to understand from someone who spoke to me the other day, and said;" There is no power, no prestige, no position that will give you more joy or true and real happiness than to love your children. They are the true jewels of life". WOW! It sort of puts all, or most of my hopes and dreams into a new and deeper perspective. I do so love my son Denzel. As much as my life itself.

I am growing, slower at times than I wish, but I am looking around to ensure I don't miss the journey or the ride. Not sure when it will stop, but I want to make each day, and each moment count for something.

A man without ambition is dead. A man with ambition but no love is dead. A man with ambition and love for his blessings here on earth is ever so alive.
--Pearl Bailey

CP