Coming back to me
I arose at 3;30am to watch the memorial service of Michael Jackson. I watched it with a mix of emotion. I could not help wonder what the impact will be of Michael's life, what the impact was of a young boy's dream, what the impact was of the allegations, and what the impact was to the family when all the well wishers were very quiet during the courts of public opinion. It has caused me to reflect a lot on life in general. I would agree that he was one of the greatest entertainers who ever lived, I do not know if I would agree he was the greatest, but make no mistake I will treasure seeing him live in concert. I was mesmerised watching him, and when he came out on stage in a cherry picker over the audience and I was underneath and saw him up very close, it was an amazing experience I shall never forget. I still maintain it was amongst the fastest 2 hours of my life. The signed photograph I was fortunate to obtain will not be sold, it will remain a simple moment in time that I have.
I was touched by the eulogies of Brooke Shields who painted eloquently the life of an actual person, a wonderful human being and a her dear friend. I was also touched by the Rev. Al Sharpton who spoke of Michael who lived beyond limitations and was driven, even from a young boy, to fulfill his dreams. I was in awe of that.
I too have felt for the longest time, driven to achieve and fulfill a dream. Certainly my life has no relevance to Michael's but the magical process that is born within and bids me to rise each day and work toward the realisation of my hopes and dreams is real. And that is something that was acknowledged that Michael had in abundance and achieved.
I was adopted into a family who I say were poor. Not destitute, but we just didn't have a lot. I am fully aware that many, many families world wide were or ARE in a similar situation and worse, I am not unique. One of my most humble memories was watching and helping my parents look around the house for a few more dollars and cents that may have fallen between the cushions on the lounge so they could make the difference in the entry fee to a polynesian concert that was being held. We went and enjoyed it, but I have never forgotten that feeling of sadness, pity and appreciation I felt, even then, toward my parents who tried their best to give me and Kayleena a happy childhood.
There were many times I recall when the money, or lack of it, caused arguments or meant I had to make excuses to my school friends as to why I could not go on excursions, or the moments when we could not afford the latest fashion shorts I so desperately wanted, or the many times I simply had to go without. It certainly never killed me, but It was then, when I knew that I wanted to live differently. I wanted my life to achieve something and perhaps even mean something. I promised myself that I would find my "calling' in life, my "thing" that would help me live more abundantly.
I wanted to never live in that hand to mouth struggling way again.
I soberingly and honestly have been right back in that situation a few times as an adult, which brought back a flood of feelings I had long suppressed, I have felt like a failure on the odd occasion, and even grappled once with the dark feeling of hopelessness and once fleetingly contemplated suicide. Thankfully I stayed the course and saw beyond the moment of despair. The situation came about largely because I was judging my life by what other people have and what I don't or didn't have. How wrong and sad I was.
Though in recent times I know that I have grown so much and have come to know that the way in which the public or even myself judges or compares is flawed. I, for the most part, am so much richer than my parents, not in assets or dollars but in the way I am trying to live more freely and more meaningfully and living without regret. I recall my adopted father Allen saying that he wanted his life to be different, and it could have been. I have heard similar sentiments on the odd occasion from my mum. I am trying to live so that if any inspiration falls from the sky in my direction I will recognise it and act...and I do.
My dream is to touch the world through my photography, and who knows maybe even art, which has started to open up a whole new door of opportunity. As a youth and finding myself "without" much, I now know of a surety, that it provided good earth and soil to help germinate my desire to express myself creatively. I find so much joy and satisfaction and pleasure n seeing something differently and creating something from what I see. I am no Monet, or Gaugin or even Philippe Halsman, or Annie Liebovitz.
I am a simple person who is grateful for the realisation that if you work at something long enough and hard enough you become better and better, I have discovered that principle also applies to my understanding and self appreciation. If money comes as a result of my personal realisation and expression, and I somehow feel it will, it is pleasing to me that money now, compared to me as a teenager, is not my goal or end game.
Let me draw these collection of thoughts together and close this post.
I am so very grateful. Whether rich or poor, I have come to understand this more fully that the process of self-discovery, self-expression and the persistence to express that, and not place limits upon myself, or live within the limits others may wish to place upon me, and succeed at that, already fulfills my dreams!
I already live abundantly. I am already successful. Not in the way the world would see me, but in a very different and very real level. A friend who has seen much in their years and has much of life's bounty has kindly and resolutely said, "I envy you!" - "The people you meet, the things you do and the way you see and photograph, make me want to find more to do and be more" I am deeply honoured. I hope one day that my images will be seen, loved and purchased around the world. I give the absolute best I can, I give my all to what I do and may often fall short of what others want, or even what I want, but I continue on. If any of you have ever really wondered if dreams do come true. They do. I am living proof of it.
I was touched by the eulogies of Brooke Shields who painted eloquently the life of an actual person, a wonderful human being and a her dear friend. I was also touched by the Rev. Al Sharpton who spoke of Michael who lived beyond limitations and was driven, even from a young boy, to fulfill his dreams. I was in awe of that.
I too have felt for the longest time, driven to achieve and fulfill a dream. Certainly my life has no relevance to Michael's but the magical process that is born within and bids me to rise each day and work toward the realisation of my hopes and dreams is real. And that is something that was acknowledged that Michael had in abundance and achieved.
I was adopted into a family who I say were poor. Not destitute, but we just didn't have a lot. I am fully aware that many, many families world wide were or ARE in a similar situation and worse, I am not unique. One of my most humble memories was watching and helping my parents look around the house for a few more dollars and cents that may have fallen between the cushions on the lounge so they could make the difference in the entry fee to a polynesian concert that was being held. We went and enjoyed it, but I have never forgotten that feeling of sadness, pity and appreciation I felt, even then, toward my parents who tried their best to give me and Kayleena a happy childhood.
There were many times I recall when the money, or lack of it, caused arguments or meant I had to make excuses to my school friends as to why I could not go on excursions, or the moments when we could not afford the latest fashion shorts I so desperately wanted, or the many times I simply had to go without. It certainly never killed me, but It was then, when I knew that I wanted to live differently. I wanted my life to achieve something and perhaps even mean something. I promised myself that I would find my "calling' in life, my "thing" that would help me live more abundantly.
I wanted to never live in that hand to mouth struggling way again.
I soberingly and honestly have been right back in that situation a few times as an adult, which brought back a flood of feelings I had long suppressed, I have felt like a failure on the odd occasion, and even grappled once with the dark feeling of hopelessness and once fleetingly contemplated suicide. Thankfully I stayed the course and saw beyond the moment of despair. The situation came about largely because I was judging my life by what other people have and what I don't or didn't have. How wrong and sad I was.
Though in recent times I know that I have grown so much and have come to know that the way in which the public or even myself judges or compares is flawed. I, for the most part, am so much richer than my parents, not in assets or dollars but in the way I am trying to live more freely and more meaningfully and living without regret. I recall my adopted father Allen saying that he wanted his life to be different, and it could have been. I have heard similar sentiments on the odd occasion from my mum. I am trying to live so that if any inspiration falls from the sky in my direction I will recognise it and act...and I do.
My dream is to touch the world through my photography, and who knows maybe even art, which has started to open up a whole new door of opportunity. As a youth and finding myself "without" much, I now know of a surety, that it provided good earth and soil to help germinate my desire to express myself creatively. I find so much joy and satisfaction and pleasure n seeing something differently and creating something from what I see. I am no Monet, or Gaugin or even Philippe Halsman, or Annie Liebovitz.
I am a simple person who is grateful for the realisation that if you work at something long enough and hard enough you become better and better, I have discovered that principle also applies to my understanding and self appreciation. If money comes as a result of my personal realisation and expression, and I somehow feel it will, it is pleasing to me that money now, compared to me as a teenager, is not my goal or end game.
Let me draw these collection of thoughts together and close this post.
I am so very grateful. Whether rich or poor, I have come to understand this more fully that the process of self-discovery, self-expression and the persistence to express that, and not place limits upon myself, or live within the limits others may wish to place upon me, and succeed at that, already fulfills my dreams!
I already live abundantly. I am already successful. Not in the way the world would see me, but in a very different and very real level. A friend who has seen much in their years and has much of life's bounty has kindly and resolutely said, "I envy you!" - "The people you meet, the things you do and the way you see and photograph, make me want to find more to do and be more" I am deeply honoured. I hope one day that my images will be seen, loved and purchased around the world. I give the absolute best I can, I give my all to what I do and may often fall short of what others want, or even what I want, but I continue on. If any of you have ever really wondered if dreams do come true. They do. I am living proof of it.
Comments
Much food for thought in your post, Craig. Thank you.