What's it all for?

Life is interesting isn't it. I spent some time yesterday with a client of long standing and heard him relate the story of his life at present. He has owned and managed 2 photographic stores and closed one of them this last week and was expressing his wonderment at what his life has become. He visits his Mother-in-law daily who is aged and incapacitated in a hospital facility. His wife goes in two times during the day apart from the evening with her husband. He said that in the hospital on the public holiday Monday we just had, there was a staff shortage and people around his Mother-in-law were in various stages of anxiety and stress. He said it was depressing and heart wrenching. I could see the strain on his face and the obvious toll it takes in a number of other ways on him and on people generally. I have been thinking a great deal about some friends and about people overall and pondering a lot about my life generally of late. Life for a lot of people is hard and if the dire predictions that are before us are in anyway correct, there is more pain and struggle ahead.

Rather than dwell on the hopelessness of fuel prices and the struggles some people close to me face, I have thought deeply that whilst I cannot control many things in life, the only thing I have total control over is my responses and my reaction. I loved the thought of analysing the make up of the word responsibility (response-ability). I remember a small rhyme I once heard, that said;

All the water in the world, no matter how hard it tried,
can never sink the smallest ship, unless it gets inside.

I have been surrounded of late by people who are expressing much more to me of their lives than I asked for or ever imagined. I am not quite sure if it's because they trust me, or because they just need to vent, or because there are few people who will listen much anymore. Whatever the reason, I am consciously trying to wade through the swamp of lost hopes, dreams and shattered experiences and lives. I am developing a deeper appreciation of people, of what they face, that sometimes seems insurmountable and trying at the same time not to absorb the feeling of helplessness, oblivion and lonliness that is increasingly evident around me. It is not easy.

Don't assume me to be complaining here, I am grateful that I can be of some assistance to some people, but I do wonder why me at times. I feel special though, having expressed that. I also find myself benefitting in many ways as well. It's just a handshake, a hug or expression of appreciation - which ultimately connects me to humanity that I feel blessed by. I have chatted with one person of late who has a lot more money and assets than I do and he says he envy's me! What the ? I had to listen to that story!

There are people I know who say "when I see you, you are always positive" or "are you ever negative?" The answer is firstly being positive is a choice, one that I try to recommit myself to every day. The second is, a resounding yes. But after a deeply personal and confronting experience some years ago, I made myself a promise that I would never walk the roads to negativity, and overt self pity and self deprecation again. On that point it will suffice for me to state simply, that I recognise the road signs and I listen to myself more and more of late.

Is this what getting older and more mature is about I ask? It is like I have cameras snapping so fast all around me that inwardly beckons me to take notice and live more for the moment, with an ever subtle eye to what might result if I am too careless. I am bemused that the person I started off talking about, has achieved a degree of prosperity yet has no time or energy to enjoy the fruits of his many years of work. And then there is the time he has lost without being around those that matter most to him. He raises the question, "What's it all for?" said to me who is continuing to struggle to find photographic Nirvana and realise my full potential. It is a sobering question.

I am grateful for the chance of late, that I have had to reach out and get to know and be touched by people whom I would otherwise have passed by and not known. My life is greatly enriched by the interaction I have with those around me. I may be broke more times than I would like, but I am rich. In the very purest sense of the meaning. I am RICH! It even feels nice to say out loud. Now, if only my bank balance would agree......hurumph, hurumph, hurumph.