The Journey of self discovery
A friend of mine said to me yesterday that "your work has stepped up a to a whole new level mate". This comment came somewhat unexpectedly and was nice to hear, but caused me to ponder much more about the nature of my work, what I do, and what I think I "suck" at - to colloquialise things I am not as good at .
Firstly, in showing the diversity of my portfolio yesterday to a couple of friends it was interesting to see the reactions on their faces.
I have lived with what I do for so long it barely even ranks on my radar in terms of it being momentous. Taking photographs is what I do! Make no mistake, I LOVE what I do, I am passionate about what I do and could not picture myself doing much else. The difficulty now for me is multiplied somewhat because I go on Foxtel's TVSN (Home Shopping Television Network) and sell cameras for Nikon almost weekly, I take pictures of lots of things including couples, engagements, weddings, celebrities, children, animals, nature. I even teach people about photography in a class type format, I train retail sales people how to sell cameras and so much more.
There are many strings to my bow and I kind of love each of the aspects that are defining more and more who I am and what I do. I love the diversity of experiences that I have and enjoy. I love the diversity of people I get to work for and come to know, and I have also became more acquainted with the things I really suck at, that trouble me.
For me the above quote resonated in an article by fellow photographer Martin in Mumbai. I know what I love, I know what I am good at and like he said, my Ego wants the world to see me in a certain way but I am often troubled by the things I dont do well at.
For example, like doing albums for bridal couples. Dont get me wrong, the couples I photograph weddings for have their entire photographs mastered, enhanced, "treated" and completed within four weeks of their respective weddings and no-one has ever complained about that, they love it. The part I am talking about is the packages I offer that have big albums and the like.
Those albums are the things that I find draining and can linger and drag for months. I suck at that big time. The reason is, they demand a lot of time - time that cannot be started and stopped or paused indefinitely and have the inspiration be maintained. I have to organise the pictures the couples and parents choose into new and exciting layouts that appeal and highlight my creative flair. The difficulty with that is largely, that the creative flair does not always show up for work and I get into a mental vacuum that sees me postpone the process over and over again. Then when it IS done, I send the layouts to couples who invariably want things changed. Sometimes I even get asked to add pictures taken by other people at their wedding into my layouts which I reluctantly do, but loathe doing. It is a big process over all.
In order to better improve my processes however, I am going to outsource that part of my business to someone else who will process the images the clients choose and create the albums for me. It will provide the quality and reliability in time and delivery in this part of the equation that I am not good at, and allow me to concentrate more on what I am driven to do.
This is something I have done for a long time. I have surrounded myself with people I deem to be better than me to help challenge me and help me rise higher. I am also a fan of images generally and of course other photographers whose work I look at often. There are many who have capitalised on doing something very well like using a tilt shift or perspective correction lens, or people who have mastered aspects of a look that define their work. There are so many people who specialise in a look. That is great.
On the other hand for me however, I want to experience the wide spectrum and variety that the photographic medium allows. I was with an accomplished artist last week who said her work was changing, the very nature of her work had shifted in a completely new direction leaving the old behind. Whilst I applaud the new influence and direction, I LOVED the old work she referred to as being left behind.
It highlighted for me the fact that with artists, myself included, that see inspiration and creative expression for what it is, realise intrinsically that it is simply energy that can lead us to explore new areas and fields, whilst all the time really only showing us more about ourselves. This part I so love about creativity. People like what they like, there will always be better photographers and worse photographers than myself, I am however on a personal pilgrimage to discover the best that is within and without of me and be guided by that. I am not in competition with any other photographer or person, I am only and always, trying to prove, reprove and improve on myself. Again the quote which I love resonates here "A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others".
This last encouragement from Martin is really key. For me, that one person who doesnt think I suck at photography is me. I have learned over time that it really is true, happiness, joy and peace do NOT come from any outside person or circumstance it comes purely from within it is a conscious decision and daily choice.
I am still surprised when people say I am cheery and positive and I direct them as to how they can be also and they say "No, it doesnt work like that for me. I feel good around you and other positive people and then when I get back into my life it all goes to pot", or "is not the same..."
In fact I find it enervating being around people who dont realise the importance of choosing to be happy and positive. For me, choosing to live in a more positive way does not preclude me from feelings of helplessness, disappointment and even mild depression on occasion but what it DOES mean is, that I dont acquaint myself with those emotions for very long, I suck it up and tell myself mentally, time to keep moving, and I do.
Being around people who are so easily beset with disappointment and depression can be so hard to be around. I have come to believe in the good all people have. I recognise that not everyone is tuned in to that side however and in the process to help others, if I am not careful, I can allow them to drain my own energy.
I have been working on a project that I have referred to on this blog a couple of times for four years and there have been times when I not so much doubted the idea or myself, but continually wondered why an idea of incredible merit had to go through the veritable furnace of criticism, ridicule and judgement. But even though it has, the idea is closer now than ever before. So like Winston Churchill encouraged his former School students, NEVER, NEVER Give up and I wont.
That said, there are other "sucks" I have which trouble me.
I have not previously been the greatest person with money. I have kind of always believed there would be plenty and I am starting to see people and some of them friends, who were previously doing very well, start to do quite badly on the financial scene. One friend even said to me recently, you may well be the one who snuck in from the side and took us all by surprise. He commended my idea and really expressed his heartfelt desire for that to work for me. One of the troubles with me has been that I love spending and I am also very generous and previously have found myself near penniless, that said I am getting better in managing money, but still have a long way to go to be where I wish to be.
I think I am also a bit of a suck at relationships. Funny to say after being married for 25 years. Cautious I am too, to place my personal life in the public domain for all to see and perhaps ridicule. I will say that my wife said to me recently that I was a driven person. It was said with a lot of emotion and not all of it complimentary. In my desire to achieve my dreams and goals I may well have neglected the people on the way that I was in fact aiming to please. You reach this point, or at least I did, when I had to ask myself if I was the sort of person who could work 9-5 and come home and sit on the lounge and watch TV and live that kind of life - rightly or wrongly I cannot be that person. I struggle with the internal monologue influenced by devout Christian based beliefs, parents and teachings in those beliefs, and the views and thoughts of friends and family. There is one sure thing I can say at this juncture, that like one of my favourite songs says; "I really don't know life at all." Just when I have things figured out I realise that the parameters of some of my beliefs were like a fickle food on a shifting plate.
In surrounding myself with people I felt were better than me, many of them had temporal things that I didn't have and in my desire to obtain the prize it exacts something from you, or well it did from me. I dont know what the future holds from one day to the next at present and even if someone else did, I am happy to discover life and opportunities as they present themselves.
I have no desire to hurt people in anyway. Fundamentally, I have learned a great deal about myself in recent times, I have so many areas of myself that I would like to improve. I am weighing much less than I did before and I like myself more now than before. I have NO desire to go back and change anything about my life, I appreciate the struggle and appreciate the experience and hope that my dreams will come true.
After all, I have invested so very much in them as it was observed from one person recently, perhaps too much another may say. I dont know if that is true or not, it is just that I know I have strived to realise the best I feel that is within me. I know there will be many who know me and some who may even read this and make their own judgements about me and my life. Some of them may even point out other weaknesses, and so be it. I am confident that there may be some who like previous occasions will comment and try to demean me anonymously, thinking they reside on some moral high ground though are afraid to reveal themselves. It matters not to me...really.
In closing I dont know if I can follow Martin's advice and "embrace the suck" or turn them into something that becomes my greatest strengths, but I can say I acknowledge that I do suck at a few things and am endeavouring to address and improve those things in my life in an ongoing journey of self discovery. I am trying to choose a path that will bless the lives of others and myself and I am striving to find a personal place of happiness and love. Long may my journey continue.....
Firstly, in showing the diversity of my portfolio yesterday to a couple of friends it was interesting to see the reactions on their faces.
I have lived with what I do for so long it barely even ranks on my radar in terms of it being momentous. Taking photographs is what I do! Make no mistake, I LOVE what I do, I am passionate about what I do and could not picture myself doing much else. The difficulty now for me is multiplied somewhat because I go on Foxtel's TVSN (Home Shopping Television Network) and sell cameras for Nikon almost weekly, I take pictures of lots of things including couples, engagements, weddings, celebrities, children, animals, nature. I even teach people about photography in a class type format, I train retail sales people how to sell cameras and so much more.
There are many strings to my bow and I kind of love each of the aspects that are defining more and more who I am and what I do. I love the diversity of experiences that I have and enjoy. I love the diversity of people I get to work for and come to know, and I have also became more acquainted with the things I really suck at, that trouble me.
Realizing we suck at something requires us to face our Ego head on. This is painful. Our Ego is the part of ourselves that decides what it is we want the world to 'think' we are. Its the false sense of self that always seems to be at war with what's really going on inside us. When we let down our guard and realize that we're all just a bundle of twisted up, conflicting sets of patterns and conditionings that have been forming haphazardly since we first learned to speak, we can begin the process of facing our shadow selves with courage, honesty and wisdom.
For me the above quote resonated in an article by fellow photographer Martin in Mumbai. I know what I love, I know what I am good at and like he said, my Ego wants the world to see me in a certain way but I am often troubled by the things I dont do well at.
For example, like doing albums for bridal couples. Dont get me wrong, the couples I photograph weddings for have their entire photographs mastered, enhanced, "treated" and completed within four weeks of their respective weddings and no-one has ever complained about that, they love it. The part I am talking about is the packages I offer that have big albums and the like.
Those albums are the things that I find draining and can linger and drag for months. I suck at that big time. The reason is, they demand a lot of time - time that cannot be started and stopped or paused indefinitely and have the inspiration be maintained. I have to organise the pictures the couples and parents choose into new and exciting layouts that appeal and highlight my creative flair. The difficulty with that is largely, that the creative flair does not always show up for work and I get into a mental vacuum that sees me postpone the process over and over again. Then when it IS done, I send the layouts to couples who invariably want things changed. Sometimes I even get asked to add pictures taken by other people at their wedding into my layouts which I reluctantly do, but loathe doing. It is a big process over all.
In order to better improve my processes however, I am going to outsource that part of my business to someone else who will process the images the clients choose and create the albums for me. It will provide the quality and reliability in time and delivery in this part of the equation that I am not good at, and allow me to concentrate more on what I am driven to do.
Surround yourself with people who are better than you, or at least suck less. We all have strengths and weaknesses, it doesn't help to look upon life as a competition; thats the old model of being. Sure, resources are limited and we all need to struggle to achieve, but I'm sure it can be done in a way that doesn't tear us up inside.
This is something I have done for a long time. I have surrounded myself with people I deem to be better than me to help challenge me and help me rise higher. I am also a fan of images generally and of course other photographers whose work I look at often. There are many who have capitalised on doing something very well like using a tilt shift or perspective correction lens, or people who have mastered aspects of a look that define their work. There are so many people who specialise in a look. That is great.
On the other hand for me however, I want to experience the wide spectrum and variety that the photographic medium allows. I was with an accomplished artist last week who said her work was changing, the very nature of her work had shifted in a completely new direction leaving the old behind. Whilst I applaud the new influence and direction, I LOVED the old work she referred to as being left behind.
It highlighted for me the fact that with artists, myself included, that see inspiration and creative expression for what it is, realise intrinsically that it is simply energy that can lead us to explore new areas and fields, whilst all the time really only showing us more about ourselves. This part I so love about creativity. People like what they like, there will always be better photographers and worse photographers than myself, I am however on a personal pilgrimage to discover the best that is within and without of me and be guided by that. I am not in competition with any other photographer or person, I am only and always, trying to prove, reprove and improve on myself. Again the quote which I love resonates here "A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others".
Always remember, there's always someone out there, even if its just one person, who doesn't think you suck at all. Perspective is key. Being one with what you suck at means to accept your humanity and that's a beautiful thing. Focus on your strengths, know and accept your weaknesses and cut out all negative self talk. So embrace your suck; just like the line between pain and pleasure, with a little attention that in you which sucks could very well turn out to be your greatest strength.
This last encouragement from Martin is really key. For me, that one person who doesnt think I suck at photography is me. I have learned over time that it really is true, happiness, joy and peace do NOT come from any outside person or circumstance it comes purely from within it is a conscious decision and daily choice.
I am still surprised when people say I am cheery and positive and I direct them as to how they can be also and they say "No, it doesnt work like that for me. I feel good around you and other positive people and then when I get back into my life it all goes to pot", or "is not the same..."
In fact I find it enervating being around people who dont realise the importance of choosing to be happy and positive. For me, choosing to live in a more positive way does not preclude me from feelings of helplessness, disappointment and even mild depression on occasion but what it DOES mean is, that I dont acquaint myself with those emotions for very long, I suck it up and tell myself mentally, time to keep moving, and I do.
Being around people who are so easily beset with disappointment and depression can be so hard to be around. I have come to believe in the good all people have. I recognise that not everyone is tuned in to that side however and in the process to help others, if I am not careful, I can allow them to drain my own energy.
I have been working on a project that I have referred to on this blog a couple of times for four years and there have been times when I not so much doubted the idea or myself, but continually wondered why an idea of incredible merit had to go through the veritable furnace of criticism, ridicule and judgement. But even though it has, the idea is closer now than ever before. So like Winston Churchill encouraged his former School students, NEVER, NEVER Give up and I wont.
That said, there are other "sucks" I have which trouble me.
I have not previously been the greatest person with money. I have kind of always believed there would be plenty and I am starting to see people and some of them friends, who were previously doing very well, start to do quite badly on the financial scene. One friend even said to me recently, you may well be the one who snuck in from the side and took us all by surprise. He commended my idea and really expressed his heartfelt desire for that to work for me. One of the troubles with me has been that I love spending and I am also very generous and previously have found myself near penniless, that said I am getting better in managing money, but still have a long way to go to be where I wish to be.
I think I am also a bit of a suck at relationships. Funny to say after being married for 25 years. Cautious I am too, to place my personal life in the public domain for all to see and perhaps ridicule. I will say that my wife said to me recently that I was a driven person. It was said with a lot of emotion and not all of it complimentary. In my desire to achieve my dreams and goals I may well have neglected the people on the way that I was in fact aiming to please. You reach this point, or at least I did, when I had to ask myself if I was the sort of person who could work 9-5 and come home and sit on the lounge and watch TV and live that kind of life - rightly or wrongly I cannot be that person. I struggle with the internal monologue influenced by devout Christian based beliefs, parents and teachings in those beliefs, and the views and thoughts of friends and family. There is one sure thing I can say at this juncture, that like one of my favourite songs says; "I really don't know life at all." Just when I have things figured out I realise that the parameters of some of my beliefs were like a fickle food on a shifting plate.
In surrounding myself with people I felt were better than me, many of them had temporal things that I didn't have and in my desire to obtain the prize it exacts something from you, or well it did from me. I dont know what the future holds from one day to the next at present and even if someone else did, I am happy to discover life and opportunities as they present themselves.
I have no desire to hurt people in anyway. Fundamentally, I have learned a great deal about myself in recent times, I have so many areas of myself that I would like to improve. I am weighing much less than I did before and I like myself more now than before. I have NO desire to go back and change anything about my life, I appreciate the struggle and appreciate the experience and hope that my dreams will come true.
After all, I have invested so very much in them as it was observed from one person recently, perhaps too much another may say. I dont know if that is true or not, it is just that I know I have strived to realise the best I feel that is within me. I know there will be many who know me and some who may even read this and make their own judgements about me and my life. Some of them may even point out other weaknesses, and so be it. I am confident that there may be some who like previous occasions will comment and try to demean me anonymously, thinking they reside on some moral high ground though are afraid to reveal themselves. It matters not to me...really.
In closing I dont know if I can follow Martin's advice and "embrace the suck" or turn them into something that becomes my greatest strengths, but I can say I acknowledge that I do suck at a few things and am endeavouring to address and improve those things in my life in an ongoing journey of self discovery. I am trying to choose a path that will bless the lives of others and myself and I am striving to find a personal place of happiness and love. Long may my journey continue.....
Comments
This was a really great post to read, Craig. So much food for thought as my day begins.