Somewhere out there....
It has been a very growing period for me of late. I am saddened, happy and confused about certain aspects of life. I have been pondering somewhat about the choices and decisions we make or take and the possible consequences of those actions. I am confident there will be people who comment here who will no doubt condemn me for choices and decisions I have made in the past, and perhaps those I will make in the future.
It is hard to eloquently and cohesively put into words what I am thinking and feeling of late. I have had communications from a family member who chooses the anonymous button to criticise me for comments I have made in the past and for expressing how I feel. I am also confident that there will be many who will agree. But my sadness on this matter comes from the place where the people reading the specific post have missed totally the feeling and frustration I felt at the time. It is a feeling I cannot describe.
How is it that people or a person take a small aspect of what I say or write and distort everything else I wrote in the same article, as if nothing else were contained therein. Even the parts that were complimentary and worthy of praise. I have been accused of not asking the said person about WHY she didn't in a two week period make a single phone call contact with me, and therefore is accusatory of the mode or method I took to air my frustration. Point taken and understood and I am not in disagreement on what the anonymous person said.
Take your understanding to a place that I have been adopted, and then understand this is from a place where I struggle to "find" where I fit in, or even IF I fit in with regards to a family setting. Then extrapolate it to include that whenever I make contact with one side of the family of people whom I love, only ONE has ever responded. I am accused of not asking the aforementioned person the reasons why she never made contact or why my emails went unheeded before the big whammy email I sent, I am criticised for not respecting elders, and yet, previously I NEVER had answers to contacts by phone or email I had endeavoured to make. So would my questions have been answered? My experience to date would have suggested that No would be a valid response.
As the original post indicated, I have family on the other side who said to me, Why bother trying to make contact with that side if they seem to ignore you? Just give up.
Here is something that EVERYONE seems to miss. I YEARNED for their communication and love.
It would appear that I went about that in the wrong way, but isn't interesting that I do get an anonymous response to say remove the whole post and then we would be done with the whole thing. I think that really means, Craig remove the pictures and everything you felt about me and this side of the family as if it is not real, and I will go back to never making contact with you again. And you will be no better off than before as to knowing anything about this part of the family. We will disown you.
Well, whammo! - I already feel that!
To the anonymous relative, you know my email address, if you have the courtesy to approach me through that medium where your identity will be made visible, I assure you any communication will be treated respectfully and not published on the blog, but I will not undertake any adjustments until I know WHO is asking it of me and why you think your comments are more valid than mine.
I will make no further reference to this again on my blog at anytime.
There was no vitriol in my expression, though there was certainly great sadness and frustration in the email I sent to a few, but still today, no-one has written back or responded to that email. I am big enough and ugly enough to cop a verbal beating from family on that. Perhaps I thought it may even open lines of communication. A foolish notion I grant you.
You know I have been accused of many things in my life, and some may be valid, but you know, I live life to the full. I may upset a few people on the way, but how I feel or felt is how I feel. I make no excuses or apologies.
Those feelings are real to me. I recognise and accept that MY view and understanding is not always correct, but to date no-one else has offered me a single response to prove me otherwise. As for the request that suggests why I don't publish your comment, it is because from sad experience I will cop a barrage of other comments I have to wade through from some who are not known or connected to me that will undoubtedly wish to join the bandwagon and condemn me as well. If, as you suggest, you wish to publish disparaging things about me on your blog, that will be your prerogative but I will not return volleys of disappointment. For me the post that concerns you is a warm and heartfelt expression of yearning and loss that highlighted the sadness of familial unrequited love. Despite what you may feel or believe, I meant no offence. I felt so totally alone and unwanted during that period, and you may note that the things I said in the email did not make it into the blog.
Here endeth this chapter for me.
It is hard to eloquently and cohesively put into words what I am thinking and feeling of late. I have had communications from a family member who chooses the anonymous button to criticise me for comments I have made in the past and for expressing how I feel. I am also confident that there will be many who will agree. But my sadness on this matter comes from the place where the people reading the specific post have missed totally the feeling and frustration I felt at the time. It is a feeling I cannot describe.
How is it that people or a person take a small aspect of what I say or write and distort everything else I wrote in the same article, as if nothing else were contained therein. Even the parts that were complimentary and worthy of praise. I have been accused of not asking the said person about WHY she didn't in a two week period make a single phone call contact with me, and therefore is accusatory of the mode or method I took to air my frustration. Point taken and understood and I am not in disagreement on what the anonymous person said.
Take your understanding to a place that I have been adopted, and then understand this is from a place where I struggle to "find" where I fit in, or even IF I fit in with regards to a family setting. Then extrapolate it to include that whenever I make contact with one side of the family of people whom I love, only ONE has ever responded. I am accused of not asking the aforementioned person the reasons why she never made contact or why my emails went unheeded before the big whammy email I sent, I am criticised for not respecting elders, and yet, previously I NEVER had answers to contacts by phone or email I had endeavoured to make. So would my questions have been answered? My experience to date would have suggested that No would be a valid response.
As the original post indicated, I have family on the other side who said to me, Why bother trying to make contact with that side if they seem to ignore you? Just give up.
Here is something that EVERYONE seems to miss. I YEARNED for their communication and love.
It would appear that I went about that in the wrong way, but isn't interesting that I do get an anonymous response to say remove the whole post and then we would be done with the whole thing. I think that really means, Craig remove the pictures and everything you felt about me and this side of the family as if it is not real, and I will go back to never making contact with you again. And you will be no better off than before as to knowing anything about this part of the family. We will disown you.
Well, whammo! - I already feel that!
To the anonymous relative, you know my email address, if you have the courtesy to approach me through that medium where your identity will be made visible, I assure you any communication will be treated respectfully and not published on the blog, but I will not undertake any adjustments until I know WHO is asking it of me and why you think your comments are more valid than mine.
I will make no further reference to this again on my blog at anytime.
There was no vitriol in my expression, though there was certainly great sadness and frustration in the email I sent to a few, but still today, no-one has written back or responded to that email. I am big enough and ugly enough to cop a verbal beating from family on that. Perhaps I thought it may even open lines of communication. A foolish notion I grant you.
You know I have been accused of many things in my life, and some may be valid, but you know, I live life to the full. I may upset a few people on the way, but how I feel or felt is how I feel. I make no excuses or apologies.
Those feelings are real to me. I recognise and accept that MY view and understanding is not always correct, but to date no-one else has offered me a single response to prove me otherwise. As for the request that suggests why I don't publish your comment, it is because from sad experience I will cop a barrage of other comments I have to wade through from some who are not known or connected to me that will undoubtedly wish to join the bandwagon and condemn me as well. If, as you suggest, you wish to publish disparaging things about me on your blog, that will be your prerogative but I will not return volleys of disappointment. For me the post that concerns you is a warm and heartfelt expression of yearning and loss that highlighted the sadness of familial unrequited love. Despite what you may feel or believe, I meant no offence. I felt so totally alone and unwanted during that period, and you may note that the things I said in the email did not make it into the blog.
Here endeth this chapter for me.
Comments
Just want you to know that I for one most certainly felt your yearning for familial love and acceptance. Hence, I posted a supportive gesture on the original comment section:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FvfWBEbNM7w
The reality is though, it is certainly not easy to let these things go and your pain is still palpable.
At the end of this post you have said that the chapter has ended for you. However, I think that others may still have things to add. I don't think it is over.
I do hope you can weather it though and I send you the best of wishes on that journey.
V2T
p.s. I know it's been a while since I posted. I do still come here regularly and I enjoy reading your comments and the comments of the others who post.
You feel how you feel how you feel how you feel. If you feel happy, remember the circumstance, and try to surround yourself with that same or a similar circumstance the next time you feel sad. Sounds terribly simple, I know, but it's true.
Not everyone is going to love you, Craig. That is just the way life is. Feelings cannot be forced. I was the same way you are when I was your age. It took many many many years for me to realize that how some people might feel about me does not change who I am. I stopped trying to 'win them over' and instead accepted the situation for what it was. I no longer carry any anger or feel any frustration towards them. And, in fact, I'm quite comfortable when I sometimes find myself in their company. (Drives them nuts, actually!)
It's produced quite a wonderful feeling of freedom, peace, contentment, and even happiness ... I should amend that to say MOST of the time. I still have my 'down' periods, but they are fewer and farther between.
And it's 'OK' to have down times. Someone once told me about a time when she was feeling really down. She was all alone in her apartment, crying, and decided to go to a bar and have a drink and continue her 'sulk' among people --not WITH anyone but surrounded by them. Every once in a while someone would come over to her table to try and cheer her up, but she always waved them away. She didn't want to be cheered up. She wanted to sulk until the sulking was out of her system.
That story sounded really funny when I was first heard it, and I'm smiling as I'm writing this, telling you about it.
You are a wonderfully open person, Craig. As such, you are prone to hurt by others. Watch out for that. Protect yourself by not allowing another's opinion to influence how you feel about yourself. Develop and then nurture the ability to laugh at yourself and at bad situations. Sometimes, that's just the way life is.
My granddaughter was telling me Tuesday about how she was grounded because she'd done something really stupid, and I came right back at her with how I had done something stupid just the day before. I asked, "Wouldn't you think that, at 71 years of age, I'd have stopped doing stupid things?" We both laughed.
I think I'm just rambling on and on here. I'll stop before I start going around in complete circles.