The journey...

I am sometimes reminded and it is often not an altogether pleasant inner experience, how imperfect and flawed I am. There are things happening on one level that are just spectacular and things on another where people are waiting for things from me and there never seems to be enough time to accomplish the tasks that are before me.

I have however come pleasantly to a place where I know that I give my all to whatever I am doing, and it is OK not to be perfect, and yes some people will be unhappy on the odd occasion, but with patience and persistence I will get to the space where I can be better. I am learning that it is not possible to please everyone. I knew that already outwardly, but on a much more personal level I am understanding this more.

Like most things of worth in life, it is not simply in the destination where one finds a pure joy but in the refining and clarifying journey.

I sure love the journey, with it's incumbent bumps and curves. I love that I am filled with foible and weakness, and thanks to some other people I do not have to look for the areas I need to improve in, others bring that to my attention.

One more day at the show today and it will be the biggest day, all the public comes in today and it will be chaotic, but I am ready for it and will triumph at the end. Sore feet and dry throat from talking all day notwithstanding. My morning walks are a source of rejuvenation and personal time to reflect, plan and dream. I value this space in the dark and cold it is like a daily tune up.



An interesting Postscript

yesterday I received this as a comment. With a smile of interest, I share it with you.

"I love that I am filled with foible and weakness, and thanks to some other people I do not have to look for the areas I need to improve in, others bring that to my attention." What you are telling us is this: I will keep doing anything I want until someone complains about it, or until it becomes painfully obvious that I am breaking the rules!

You are a great impersonator. You have mastered the art of deception without feeling any sense of guilt whatsoever! Even if others bring your foibles and weaknesses to your attention, do you really care? Not at all. One day though, they will all come back to haunt you.

This is a small world Craig. What goes around comes around. It's high time you grow up, and face the music. Honesty is the best policy. -hs

Another faceless voice in the wind who sees it as their contribution to bring me to an awareness of just how troubled and wretched they think I must be. Out of a seeming civic responsibility to "tell it like it is".

I publish this here because this person has no clue about me, about what I am trying to do and accomplish or even any clue about what truly motivates me. They only think they do.

They feel wronged or cheated over an incident that they perceive went a certain way and conclude that their assessment is the only one and the right one and then take it as their personal crusade to expose me yet again for the charlatan they purport me to be. They have no idea and no life it would seem. As stated more times than I wish to review, I am flawed! You cannot explode the bomb once it is gone off I submit.

I make mistakes, they already sadden me, they don't haunt me, I have no skeletons in the closet. To the person who wrote this above who chooses to mask their identity, do you honestly think that I should live like a hermit and be afraid of such a spineless comment like this? think again. I am not without sin or guile and have never purported to be. I am a wanderer along life's paths trying to find a way to make the area of ground and the people with whom I associate a little happier and feel a little more special and in that wonderful light feel appreciated and happy that I could discover and do something that pleases and interests me and hopefully touches the lives of those I come in contact with.

If I have wronged anyone and they have the courage to approach me privately in full view of who they are and air their grievance I will sincerely apologise and try to make amends where I can, and if I cannot, I will seek their forgiveness and go on my way and wish them the best for their journey. I simply cannot and will not live a life of regret. There has been enough pain and anguish with things I have already faced in my life without unnecessarily adding more in to the mix.

This person obviously has no concept of how innately regretful and anguished I feel within, at many of the mistakes I make day to day, or in times past, or even the current times. The whole point of this post was to suggest that I have noticed that Haba na haba (little by little) I am maturing, and my perceptions of what I think life really is and what my place in it is, is constantly being reviewed and refined. I do not suspect that any person who achieves a level of advanced years is ever totally happy with everything they said or did when they were younger. That is why the saying "You cannot put an older head on younger shoulders exits" because often times we wish we could to save us all the grief. But I strive to seek the best within inspite of the many times I have fallen and continue to fall, short of my own expectations. I simply cannot live a life to please others because then I would be an impersonator, though I absolutely am not. Watch me soar as I strive to go beyond the limits that you and others set before me.