just one - me

I can be a complicated person at times and certainly, I don't believe I am Robinson Crusoe on that point. I have over the last couple of years been trying hard to be truer to myself and to find a way to realise my true potential. I have worked very hard and ostensibly held two full time jobs in the hope of funding my dreams. I have listened to the "Secret" , and to a number of courses and positive thinking schools and have sometimes felt that I am having the weight of the world on my shoulders by wondering if my expectations or hopes and dreams were impossible, unrealistic or even fanciful. I have included positive thoughts and feelings on this blog for the longest time more for my help than anyone else's, and the fact that my comments of revealed self have for the most part always been met with care and responsive comments from those who had the warmth to express them, I remain grateful. I have wondered on many occasions as I have stared at a sunset or sunrise, or looked at the mountains, or lay on the ground under a big night sky trying to avoid the mozzies (mosquitoes) and other night time critters, did anything I do really matter? I have certainly not been oblivious to the life of my son, Marcelina, my family and the people whom I have helped along life's journey, I guess I was searching more for a deeper, more personal answer. I grew up the son of a widowed pensioner, I grew up around people who had much more material wealth than I and it used to really trouble me. I used to feel I was hard done by or that the world owed me something. I felt that when my step father died, I was 14, he was a devout follower of God, that as a result of his passing I had in fact started to become faithless for a time, whilst I tried hard to come to terms with the life I was now embarking on.

I had seen life a certain way, and as I grew through adolescence I never had the "Father" I wanted, I certainly had my doubts that I wanted my step Father back as we had a love hate relationship for a period of time prior to his passing, I just wanted someone to show me the way. I remember asking soul searching questions to a couple of adults I respected at the time like, "what do you think I can be?" or "Who do you think I can become?" I can still remember the three peoples face on each occasion when my soul earnestly yearned for answers, it was painfully obvious that they felt the questions were too onerous and weighty to give me an answer. They were. Yet I yearned to know who I was, I yearned to know what I could achieve, who I could become. I have struggled with this for a number of years, feeling all the while I was trying so hard to be the someone I envisioned, and coming up sadly short. My adopted theme song for a number of years was I Still haven't found what I'm looking for by U2.

I am turning 44 next month, the same age my step father reached when he died. I know what he failed to achieve everything he would have wanted to and I have only a glimpse of his life in knowing if he was pleased what he did achieve, and wonder when you depart from this life does anything really matter to you anymore. I ask that question feeling secure in the fact that I already believe the answer is a definite yes. I suspect however that what those who have moved beyond think or care about things very differently to us, with their new perspective.

As I have passed through the last few months I have noted some tectonic shifts within me. I have certainly been a witness to the power of that positive thinking I referred to earlier, I have physically seen and felt the fruition of many of my life's paths. I have sensed for many years certain things would "happen" to me, and that thought has continually driven me forward, it has made me get up in the morning and love doing what I do.

I have begun to slowly peel away the layers of desires and hopes. I have started to choose what things are really important to me. I know there are some people who continue to judge me and put me in a pigeon hole though. It is becoming a sweet feeling when I see those walls of prejudice and limit come forward and be replaced by wonder and surprise. It is a special feeling. I have begun also to share that the pictures of me on the blog with the famous people, are just there for establishing relevance and in the hope of securing more work and having industry credibility, and that if I never met another famous celebrity again I would not be shattered. My life does not revolve around being "seen" with these people which some may find a contradiction. My life is much more simple than that. I want to love, be loved and love what I do - to that end I am a success. I am missing a few paints in my life's painting though, and I believe I will find those metaphoric colours in a coming day and time so my canvas can be complete. I await them eagerly.

I also have the desire once I reach a certain level, to help people, without them ever really knowing it was me. I would so love to do that, I would love to help people realise their potential, I would love to be a financial "seed" starter for people. I would love to financially touch the lives of those who struggle. I have such a ways to go to get there however, but I have begun to realise that things I thought I knew I have had to re-learn, things I thought I wanted, I have had to re-assess, and in this process have been able to finally change the song on this journeys soundtrack of my life.

Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

Whilst this post may seem a little melancholy, I am of the belief that it is deeply personal and positive and simply a new awareness that I have found within, one that as the last line of the song says, I don't know life at all, but i continue to be deeply grateful for the journey and the chance to experience it. I still feel I am open to new horizons, thoughts or experiences and perhaps even more so now with this feeling of awareness.

Just a shout out to all my dear friends who visit here. Thank you all. Knowing you makes the journey much more rewarding.