Right here, Right now...
I have noted that a couple of friends have commented to me that I don’t seem my effervescent self of late. I assure everyone I am OK. I have been working so very hard to try and bring some of my financial goals to fruition via the medium of choice, my photography. I guess when I look at many of my friends around me, and the things that they have achieved like houses, cars and anything else you might care to mention I fall significantly short. One of my friends now earns almost $500K a year, and make no mistake, I am in NO way jealous of that or of him, not in the slightest, in fact I am genuinely proud for his achievement. I just yearn for me to achieve a greater level of success. Not by comparrison, but by realising my particular dreams. I have stated the poem from Robert Frost previously but do so again for illustration. “Two roads converged in a wood, I took the one less travelled by and it has made all the difference.”
I certainly have taken the road less travelled by, and there are times like now when I know clearly why!!! I haven’t been much interested in pleasing other people, though I am very happy when things I do, or have been a part of, please others and give people pleasure and joy. I have sought an inner journey to find and become the person I most wanted to be and that has been a struggle. A struggle from the perspective that I know that my skill level is at the right place to earn a good living from what I do, it is just getting into the space that allows me to realise that hope. Someone said to me a few days ago, I am surprised you haven’t given up your job ages ago and just did this full time. It would seem easy on the surface, but then there are bills and then there are so many factors like people who rely on me for the necessities of life and struggling even more has not been something I have wanted previously. I guess too, that I have always felt comfortable and proud of what I do, but only in the last 12 –15 months do I now feel the complete confidence in my own abilities to now make the transition. Hence my frustration increases somewhat that it isn’t happening right now! The struggle however takes me to places mentally and physically I might otherwise have never known. I get to meet people from all walks and persuasions of life that enrich my soul and give me hope and perspective. I again note how much of my thoughts and actions now generally come from a period of varying times of great reflection. Other than when I am photographing where the essence then is to “shoot first”, then sort it out and digest it all later.
I love watching people and I have become a student of observing human behaviour. I find it fascinating and constantly challenging. Whilst in the Philippines in 1984 I was with an American guy in a house where we were visiting. A relative of the family we were visiting objected strongly to our visit and started running into the small house through the one and only entrance and exit from the house with a machete (a large long knife) as he did so, he was calling us cowards for not coming out to fight him, the American I was with wanted to run out and give him what for and tell the guy he wasn’t a coward, he is an American citizen etc etc, I stood there thinking is this American guy for real? I do respect this man and we still keep in contact, but at that moment I was so focussed on what we could or I could do to diffuse the growing situation. The guy was slashing at plants trees and shrubs and wanting to harm us in a very direct way. He then made a dash to the front door entrance – there was no door. It was a small Nipa style hut, then his sister the wife of the householder whose small home we were in stood defiantly and gracefully in front of him as his raised arm with the knife yelled at her to get out of the way, she said simply, they are my guests leave now. It was an amazing moment in my life to witness. I do not think it melodramatic to suggest that this little woman one Mrs. Trinidad, saved our lives. This guy was enraged at the presence of what he thought were two American’s in his part of the world. He was heavily intoxicated and yet this defiant little woman calmed him and he departed, albeit angrily and maliciously. I noted that after this incident that caused all 6 of us in the small house to tremble the American colleague Rodney, was still saying I am not a coward, as I now reflect on the moment I can’t help feel to say what the? I think it is important to note I can see everything in my minds eye in perfect detail still, after 23 years almost to the day. I have never trembled so much in my life. My legs were shaking and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Yet my mind was totally active and alert. I constantly was aware and thinking if he does this we should do this. But alas it was averted. As we left this home in southern Leyte, we were greeted by the Barangay captain (neighbourhood watch commander), who profusely apologised for the event occurring, which had stirred up the small neighbourhood. As we left the house many, many people stared and smiled at us. It was a great and terrible day.
Since then I have been keenly aware of peoples behaviour, I can sense things, perceptions if you will, when something isn’t right, if I shouldn’t go down a certain road or whatever. I am grateful for such feelings. It is like a radar comes on and instantly feels protective of anyone I am with or near as to what do I do, how do I act etc.
On a different note, yet still on Human relations generally, I had a post here one time called lost in translation, and it still surprises me that my intent and actions, and quite possibly it is the same for everybody at different times, are still so misunderstood. V2T excluded. I am occasionally accused of forgetting to do things and deliberately ignoring other things and some even ascribe my actions to certain motives when no such motive was ever present. It causes me some disappointment, but my “Bandwidth” which is a term I have heard that I like recently, can’t cope with all that I am focussing on, and as such some of the peripheral gets omitted. It is a fine line I walk, perhaps we all do, and still there may be many who cope with and do much better than I, but I do the very best I can. When I do something I give my all. I spent much of my adolescence in shades of mediocrity and indifference; I do not do that anymore. If I don’t want to do anything I won’t. If I choose to do something I choose to give my very best. Sometimes that best falls short, hindsight can be a bugger at times, but I do not resile from the fact that I strive to be true to the person I am, and to the person I wish to become.
The pictures above were all taken by me earlier in the Philippines in April 2007
Comments
"On a different note, yet still on Human relations generally, I had a post here one time called lost in translation, and it still surprises me that my intent and actions, and quite possibly it is the same for everybody at different times, are still so misunderstood. V2T excluded."
Tried to access this post in the 'archive' to refresh my memory but was unsuccessful.
You have graciously excluded me in the above illustration, which was kind of you.
However, I must say that, in hindsight, I have certainly placed myself in this category with you from time to time. I am responsible for misunderstanding the intent of some of your posts in days gone by.
However, I have connected and resonated with what you have had to say a great deal of the time also. I would like to think that the scales tip to this side in the overall reckoning.
If my misunderstanding or misinterpretation of your words, thoughts and intent have rebuffed or injured you in any way, I accept responsibility.
I believe we are all responsible for the things we say or do - advertent, inadvertent or by omission. Once we reach a realisation, it is requisite to attempt reconciliation and correct the error.
This was the case for me in the last day or so. You were gracious in your acceptance of my apology. At my request, you have also provided a means where I can provide feedback in a private forum.
I prefer this to be the vehicle with queries I may have that could be construed as 'challenging.' Had there been a private message option in your comments section I would have taken that road from the start.
My intent is not to cause you public embarrassment Craig.
I fear that this has been the case however, and to rectify that I shall not post challenging material on your public page from this point on. I hope this will be sufficient in correcting my error.
V2T
V2T
You have told us about your beautiful son in previous posts. However, I do not recall you mentioning a wife or partner. Are you a single parent? If so, how do you manage and juggle everything? Do you have help from extended family?
V2T
The other post Lost in Translation is located under the archive drop down menu on the main page, go to October and scroll down to the 7th post and the post is there.
I think it pertinent to suggest clearly, that I have never been injured by anything you have communicated, I have felt challenged certainly, though I have never seen that as a bad thing. And as for causing me public embarrassment, has it ever caused me that? Just because some of my friends corrosive remarks indicate that , it doesn't mean that is how I feel. I indicated yesterday that I don't want to live in a plastic bubble, and the sentiment remains. If I honestly thought your intent was malicious I would have placed restrictions on anybody posting on this blog. Some of my friends have such restrictions on their blogs, which prevent any comment being instantly added without the comments being "cleared" first by the blog host. I have not chosen this road, and would only do so if the language and intent of others became truly offensive. But you can post either here on the blog or by sending to my email at your leisure. It's all good.
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The traffic cop was wearing a face mask because, whilst it may not be easily seen in the web size of the picture is, the pollution is horrendous. I was in this spot for about 40mins and the dust and dirt I wiped off my face was amazing, imagine what I breathed in! If I was going to be there all day I would wear one as well!
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I am married. and have been for 21 years. Denzel's mum must take all the credit for raising him, not I. True he loves his Dad, but his Mum is the person he always sees when his Dad is hardly home. The extended family prett much have little to do with us, not out of any other reason than we are all busy people.
;0)
V2T
What is equally fascinating is the way that the main players coped with the situation.
Fear and crisis can bring out unexpected sides to people. Fight, fright or flight. Your American friend obviously experienced the "fight" reaction to this terrifying challenge, whilst you experienced the "fright" reaction.
These are some of the raw and uncontrollable human reactions that can occur. I wager that your American friend may have had the same lack of control over his reaction as you did over your trembling and shaking.
Your host...what an admirable controlled and cool reaction! Perhaps she had been through experiences like this with her brother previously. Perhaps this is why she was able to keep her cool.
On the other hand, maybe she is someone who can override this fight, flight, and fright reaction in a crisis. I have seen people who can do this.
Certainly an experience you will never forget.
V2T
I have noticed a recurring reference in your blog to the Philippines.
From what I have read, you seem to have visited the country a few times, you attend/photograph the country's entertainers and you have commented on their election process.
Do you have a particular connection to the country?
V2T
" Fight, fright or flight. Your American friend obviously experienced the "fight" reaction to this terrifying challenge, whilst you experienced the "fright" reaction.
These are some of the raw and uncontrollable human reactions that can occur. I wager that your American friend may have had the same lack of control over his reaction as you did over your trembling and shaking."
I guess so, but the one thing that amazed me about me was that I was in total control of my thoughts. I as clear and focussed without the fear. It was an awesome experience (in a strange way)
"Your host...what an admirable controlled and cool reaction! Perhaps she had been through experiences like this with her brother previously. Perhaps this is why she was able to keep her cool."
Maybe though I feel she was truly such a confident person in herself and in what her brother would and wouldn't do. Because after the event she collapsed into the chair and shook uncontrollably herself.
"Certainly an experience you will never forget."
Never a truer statement was made!!!
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As for my connection to the Philippines, I served a two year mission in that great land for the church and then I married a Filipino and have wanted my not so little man to become acquainted with his many relatives there, hence the many journeys there. They are such an interesting race of people. The country itself is a land of great contrasts. I should speak about that soon.
Thanks for writing. I would like to know more about you one day soon!
Thanks for your comments.
Too much stress perhaps? Take a breather..
How balanced is your life, Craig? You can't put all of your energy on just your photos. You mentioned before that you have people who depend on you for sustenance, (you introduced your son in your early postings, you evaded the query about your 21 years of married life, you have not (even once) mentioned about family..These people are a big part of who you really are.
We are all hoping you'll publish these comments and not censor them. We need a balanced view.
I like it also when others challenge my view or opinion, I feel stretched and enlarged by the experience mostly. Now certailnly your observation about my tone changing from a hum to a growl is an interpretation of events as you see them. Whilst there are times when I have have felt irritated by some comments, the Mr Right or mr Look good is an interesting statement I find amusing. Certainly I have many moments in my life when I am not as positive, and times when I get so tired I snap at the people I care most about, not because I want to hurt them but sometimes because I get lost in ME and forget others feelings. Like I did yesterday and upon reflection I was deeply hurt and sorry I said things that hurt others. All wasted emotions if I could keep it in check to begin with I submit. A"A stitch in time saves nine"
As for looking good? or Mr Right? I guess that may be your view, and in your mind that is valid, but in my mind the blog is simply a process for me to find a voice, no matter how small, to express the things that matter to me. There are times when I would like to go in a certain direction, but my inner voice leads me to a different path. I do not always know why or count the voice (more a feeling really) as totally accurate, but I try. I try real hard to express here on this blog what I feel and try real hard to live the life I have always imagined for myself.
That said it is MY blog. I choose to relate things here about what I think, what I feel and in that process if I avoid questions about my family or others that I care deeply about, it is because I would not subject their feelings and emotions to the comments by casual observers to interpret and comment on positively or negatively. If the people I care about and if my family want to allow that scrutiny in their own lives they will get a blog.
I have mentioned before in a response from another anonymous person, I do not know who visists or comments, and that is fine. I just feel rightly or wrongly, that I need to protect others from this scrutiny in a public forum especially my son who cannot defend, accept or respond to comments at all. One or two comments made some time ago genuinely worried me about my son on this blog that I believe I may have taken out of context, but caused me grave concern about who might read my blog and as such have chosen the path that allows me and my feelings to be open for criticism without subjecting others of my family or friends which is why I do not name many of them here, If my wife wishes to, or my friends desire to be open for scrutiny they are more than capable of having a blog of their own where they can field and respond to questions that you may have. Until that happens, questions that are in their very nature personal and have wider ramifications to others will be absent from this blog. Sorry to disappoint you.
After all, several of my friends have ridiculed me for allowing people like you to comment at all without choosing the blogger option to vet the comments and edit them before they come to view. But, you are welcome here. No tone, no growl.
Lastly to you and any others who may want to know the things you ask also. I created this blog as a vehicle of expression for me, True I am not perfect. Never claimed to be and will not believe that may ever occur, however I am on a personal journey that does resemble a roller coaster ride at times, and yes there are highs and yes there are lows, but I live, I really live. I have a blog which I write for, largely for myself. I have gone back on the odd occasion and re-read what I wrote and it is like blazing a trail again over ground you once trod. It is a great compass of sorts.